what goes up, must disappear like my fucking motivation

 i had a bit of a run there for a moment and then it all goes to shit and then i wallow in my inability to recapture the momentum i once had. how do people continue to be so fucking positive? 

the need for more immersive therapy and not just hot instantaneous dopamine injections via social media grows by the day, i swear. 

i'm at odds because i have this overwhelming desire to shout into the void but i have nothing of worth or interest to say. global politics: suck. global warming: frying my ass. covid: unending and something akin to torture but has still evaded me (although i feel like i'm playing with fire lately but i think it's just so i can a) feel alive and b) finally get it and get the whole thing over with). 

it's that transition season where i'm all out of sorts. much like the fall and my dreaded month of february, early spring brings about some hella melancholy and ennui. 

but enough about how i should definitely seek some kind of therapy and get down to the nitty gritty of why i continue to show up and spread this data all around: music.

these last couple weeks have been fairly quiet, both in my mind and on my stereo for a multitude of reasons although if i had to choose one, it would be because i needed that solace i could only find when i was sitting alone with my own thoughts for once. plus i was on spring break and i wasn't commuting to work and was instead binge playing the sims for 6-8hrs a day. you can be the judge on why i don't have a full compliment of current tracks up for perusal today. 

anyhow, i'm off to go immerse myself in another endless scroll of reddit because the sad is creeping back in again. 

xoxo
--ffh

10. violent pornography - system of a down
9. bitch better have my money - shinyribs
8. stupid big teeth - emmy
7. lavender - ashleigh ball
6. be like water - pj morton, stevie wonder, nas
5. pine barrens - jakey
4. campfire - childish gambino
3. members only - kendrick lamar
2. all my friends are strangers - doublecamp 
1. how lucky am i ? - the toxhards

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but like, duh

today i thought about playlist genres as i spent my mental recuperation downtime scrolling through the titles of spotify 'mood' playlists and i have two questions: 

1. how to i get this job to curate any of these fucking gem playlists. TELL ME WHO THINKS, IMMA PUT TOGETHER A PLAYLIST ABOUT BEING A BAD BITCH AND SAY THAT ITS THE VILLAIN PLAYLIST because i want to be you. 
2. how can anyone understand music/lyrics so metacognitively that they think, hey this vibey song about meeting at our spot that seems like it might be chill-ish pop with brassy vocals and a decent beat so it's inherently an aesthetic type piece and therefore will be on this aesthetic playlist? 

so spotify i'll only say this once because i feel like you, this faceless algorithm and me, a human who will intersperse all of your playlists with stevie wonder (because fuck you, he's a god and deserves to be heard), holla atcha girl and i'll be there with bells on. 

anyways, my fresh cuts. though i suppose are they really fresh cuts if they're older than me by at least 2 decades? idk. but if that makes them less fresh cuts than 'what makes the dopamine in my head go brrrrrr' than i guess i'm wrong about everything and life is nothing but a sham. 

whatevs, yo. 

xoxo
--ffh

p.s.: i feel some kinds of feelings learning that gilbert gottfried, the voice of iago, passed today so like... rip. 

10. ilovethatforme - daren
9. i wanna fuck you till i'm dead - yacht 
8. after the tone - llusion, upsahl
7. faith - george michael 
6. work it out - stevie wonder
5. freedom 90 - george michael 
4. edge of seventeen - stevie nicks 
3. bad day - justus bennetts 
2. pussy and pizza - murs 
1. my love - dave glass animals remix - florence + the machine

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holy beezelbub

 coming to you live from my childhood bedroom, it's another sunday night edition of what the heck i'm listening to lately. 

tonight was the grammy's, which is unimportant not only because i have very little knowledge about who got nominated and what songs they've put out because i am an aging hipster who doesn't listen to the radio (thanks, spotify) but also because i got to see my kitty cat and honestly, that's what gives my life meaning. her stupid, fluffy face keeps the blood pumping in my veins. i think i love her the same way a mother loves their child, to be honest. 

can you tell i'm a millennial?

anyhow, this week is brought to you by the ongoing poetry month of april and the fact that bo burnham finally won a grammy for bo burnham: inside. if you haven't watched it, watch it. if you have watched it, watch it again because it's a masterpiece. it's probably one of the only pieces of media that stayed with me in the last 2-3 years; it was haunting and raw and oh so relatable. i love to pump '30' in my car because jesus christ it's apropos to my life, minus the fact i turned 30 two years prior to bo doing it. less cool and poetic to say "yeah, I was born in 1988" and i also didn't turn 30 during the pandemic (i fear if i had i would have been even more depressed than i was turning 30 anyhow).

i digress. something about typing away in my old bedroom that makes me nostalgic to spill the very contents of my mind, but i also know that it's boring and no one reads this shit so fuck it. 

xoxo
--ffh

10. dreams and boxes - watsky 
9. goodbye yellowbrick road - elton john 
8. must be - lou phelps
7. red sky at night - snotty nose rez kids, tabuu, shad
6. parmesan - kyle dion 
5. weatherman - eddie benjamin
4. meet me at our spot - THE ANXIETY, WILLOW, tyler cole
3. what, me worry? - portugal. the man 
2. power power - duckwrth ft shaun ross
1. jean gray - tunde olanrian

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