currents

 i have covid. 

i spent 3+ years being so safe, and it felled me on halloween of all days. 

all in all, not the worst thing i've ever experienced, aside from the intial soul crushing boredom of being locked in my bedroom. thankfully mr ffh also tested positive shortly after i did, so that helped quell the boredom a little. but i'm still feeling a little cabin feverish, and not because sometimes i still have a fever (which i don't, evidence that this has covid business has been a breeze).

this summer was spent doing absolutely nothing, which i think was much needed. mr ffh and i haven't been on the same page as much, so it was nice to get back and reconnect. i played a lot of beach volleyball, a feat i will never, ever do again. i walked a lot. 

now school is back and things are settling into a routine so now it's time to return to this blog. 

anyhow, here's what i've been listening to lately. i'm dubbing it music to quarantine to, haha. 

xoxo
--ffh

10. bbc - jaboukie
9. crisis - cory wong ft big wild
8. sweet - brockhampton
7. that's where i am - maggie rogers
6. violin cookiee kawaii ft dear sillas
5. next to normal - lucifer
4. lucifer - jay-z
3. iv. sweatpants - childish gambino
2. unholy - sam smith ft kim petras
1. just me & my plants - rocco elliot

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moon river

 have you ever just, sobbed at something trivial? something that you know you shouldn't be crying over but like, you cannot stop yourself from the lip tremble, then the stinging eyes, and then before you know it you can't breathe through the snot in your nose and you just have the big sad wash over you?

no? just me. 

cool. 

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what goes up, must disappear like my fucking motivation

 i had a bit of a run there for a moment and then it all goes to shit and then i wallow in my inability to recapture the momentum i once had. how do people continue to be so fucking positive? 

the need for more immersive therapy and not just hot instantaneous dopamine injections via social media grows by the day, i swear. 

i'm at odds because i have this overwhelming desire to shout into the void but i have nothing of worth or interest to say. global politics: suck. global warming: frying my ass. covid: unending and something akin to torture but has still evaded me (although i feel like i'm playing with fire lately but i think it's just so i can a) feel alive and b) finally get it and get the whole thing over with). 

it's that transition season where i'm all out of sorts. much like the fall and my dreaded month of february, early spring brings about some hella melancholy and ennui. 

but enough about how i should definitely seek some kind of therapy and get down to the nitty gritty of why i continue to show up and spread this data all around: music.

these last couple weeks have been fairly quiet, both in my mind and on my stereo for a multitude of reasons although if i had to choose one, it would be because i needed that solace i could only find when i was sitting alone with my own thoughts for once. plus i was on spring break and i wasn't commuting to work and was instead binge playing the sims for 6-8hrs a day. you can be the judge on why i don't have a full compliment of current tracks up for perusal today. 

anyhow, i'm off to go immerse myself in another endless scroll of reddit because the sad is creeping back in again. 

xoxo
--ffh

10. violent pornography - system of a down
9. bitch better have my money - shinyribs
8. stupid big teeth - emmy
7. lavender - ashleigh ball
6. be like water - pj morton, stevie wonder, nas
5. pine barrens - jakey
4. campfire - childish gambino
3. members only - kendrick lamar
2. all my friends are strangers - doublecamp 
1. how lucky am i ? - the toxhards

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but like, duh

today i thought about playlist genres as i spent my mental recuperation downtime scrolling through the titles of spotify 'mood' playlists and i have two questions: 

1. how to i get this job to curate any of these fucking gem playlists. TELL ME WHO THINKS, IMMA PUT TOGETHER A PLAYLIST ABOUT BEING A BAD BITCH AND SAY THAT ITS THE VILLAIN PLAYLIST because i want to be you. 
2. how can anyone understand music/lyrics so metacognitively that they think, hey this vibey song about meeting at our spot that seems like it might be chill-ish pop with brassy vocals and a decent beat so it's inherently an aesthetic type piece and therefore will be on this aesthetic playlist? 

so spotify i'll only say this once because i feel like you, this faceless algorithm and me, a human who will intersperse all of your playlists with stevie wonder (because fuck you, he's a god and deserves to be heard), holla atcha girl and i'll be there with bells on. 

anyways, my fresh cuts. though i suppose are they really fresh cuts if they're older than me by at least 2 decades? idk. but if that makes them less fresh cuts than 'what makes the dopamine in my head go brrrrrr' than i guess i'm wrong about everything and life is nothing but a sham. 

whatevs, yo. 

xoxo
--ffh

p.s.: i feel some kinds of feelings learning that gilbert gottfried, the voice of iago, passed today so like... rip. 

10. ilovethatforme - daren
9. i wanna fuck you till i'm dead - yacht 
8. after the tone - llusion, upsahl
7. faith - george michael 
6. work it out - stevie wonder
5. freedom 90 - george michael 
4. edge of seventeen - stevie nicks 
3. bad day - justus bennetts 
2. pussy and pizza - murs 
1. my love - dave glass animals remix - florence + the machine

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holy beezelbub

 coming to you live from my childhood bedroom, it's another sunday night edition of what the heck i'm listening to lately. 

tonight was the grammy's, which is unimportant not only because i have very little knowledge about who got nominated and what songs they've put out because i am an aging hipster who doesn't listen to the radio (thanks, spotify) but also because i got to see my kitty cat and honestly, that's what gives my life meaning. her stupid, fluffy face keeps the blood pumping in my veins. i think i love her the same way a mother loves their child, to be honest. 

can you tell i'm a millennial?

anyhow, this week is brought to you by the ongoing poetry month of april and the fact that bo burnham finally won a grammy for bo burnham: inside. if you haven't watched it, watch it. if you have watched it, watch it again because it's a masterpiece. it's probably one of the only pieces of media that stayed with me in the last 2-3 years; it was haunting and raw and oh so relatable. i love to pump '30' in my car because jesus christ it's apropos to my life, minus the fact i turned 30 two years prior to bo doing it. less cool and poetic to say "yeah, I was born in 1988" and i also didn't turn 30 during the pandemic (i fear if i had i would have been even more depressed than i was turning 30 anyhow).

i digress. something about typing away in my old bedroom that makes me nostalgic to spill the very contents of my mind, but i also know that it's boring and no one reads this shit so fuck it. 

xoxo
--ffh

10. dreams and boxes - watsky 
9. goodbye yellowbrick road - elton john 
8. must be - lou phelps
7. red sky at night - snotty nose rez kids, tabuu, shad
6. parmesan - kyle dion 
5. weatherman - eddie benjamin
4. meet me at our spot - THE ANXIETY, WILLOW, tyler cole
3. what, me worry? - portugal. the man 
2. power power - duckwrth ft shaun ross
1. jean gray - tunde olanrian

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once more, into the fray?

i made it to spring break without a nervous breakdown so i'm taking the dub before reality reminds me i'm an aging hipster. 

originally i had some weird writing about spring and teaching poetry, and how i aspire to be a regular updater at some point, but it felt contrived and not well thought out. 

i'm out of sorts, can you tell? i feel like my brain is on vacation; packed up and gone somewhere without a forwarding address so i'm left with the holiday relief temp who can't do their job properly or efficiently. it's taking all of my concentration to write this currently, which i think speaks more to my own state of mental health than anything else. ugh, it can be summer break at any time. 

whatever. the list. there's watsky ahead, proceed with caution if you're not a nerd. 

xoxo
-- ffh

10. pool - still woozy, remi wolf  
9. wild child - the black keys 
8. better now - odesza ft maro 
7. bossa nova baby (superorganism's tasty little remix) - teddi gold, mi$hnrz, superogranism
6. mean ass drunk - watsky 
5. dope - rafael casal, daveed diggs, too $hort
4. 151 rum - jid 
3. god is a freak - peach prc
2. creek boy - prof 
1. embrace the quake - watsky 

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currents

 can someone tell me what the fuck is going on with t-swift? like i know that guy fucked her over by keeping all of her masters, but i feel like somehow that didn't derail taylor's career because there's a significant taylor swift oversaturation going on right now. and there was a documentary or something? for my out of touch ass i feel like she's released 700 different albums and singles and probably solved the u.s. debt crisis since last february, as well as getting engaged (?). any swifties wanna chime in? i'm too lazy to use dr. google to figure out what's going on; i want the dirty deets given to me by a fan who is near rabid for everything tay tay does. 

anyways, i think this is a first for me. i came back quicker than the last time and i'm not entirely bitter enough to write it out in a lengthy diatribe, which i will take as a personal best. work still sucks, but they pay me to have summer off so i'm using that as my carrot for right now otherwise i will break down and cry. 

imma cut this short before i really start to get going (oh lawd, she comin'). 

xoxo
--ffh

10. come again! - calimossa
9. modelo cans - wax ft herbal t
8. varúꝺ - sigur ros
7. 30 - bo burnham
6. all eyes on me - bo burnham
5. we good - lil dicky & GaTa
4. red rover - javi 
3. toxic pony - altego (britney spears & ginuwine)
2. chapstick - coin
1. woodchuck - spark master tape

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