Country Grammar.

And not the sick Nelly song that I like to listen to more than is truly acceptable for 2019 but a question of the direction of popular music in reference to Lil Nas X & Billy Ray Cyrus on "Old Country Road."

First of all, what year is it? Billy Ray fucking Cyrus?

When I think of Billy Ray Cyrus, I think of this dude who is clearly all business in the front and 100% party in the back. Not some guy who wears skinny jeans and might dye his beard. Age is something that gets all of us, Billy. Just embrace it.

As for Old Country Road, I feel like we've been here before. Nelly and Tim McGraw are the ones that come to mind first. I had a friend who loved country and r&b in high school, so "Over and Over Again" was her fucking jam. I'm still confused as to what Tim McGraw had to do in it except the hook, and even then it was more Nelly exploring a more sensitive side to his music. And now look at where he is. Crickets, that's where.

Despite the melding of hip hop and country, country music is, however, still trash in my opinion.

I live in a city where for 10 days I'm forced through association to be as country as possible. Beyond wrastlin' hogs and possibly having an incestuous relationship with a family member (thank god I'm an only child!), the city turns into a barn burner for two weekends and I hate it.

Despite my inability to understand the draw that is the Stampede and everything that it stands for (except for the mini donuts), it's the music that I despise most. It pervades my senses, it's everywhere and always at an unacceptable volume (meaning that I can hear it). In traffic, the hillbilly in their lifted Ford is blasting Luke Bryan or some other god awful excuse for country at top fucking volume. All of my friends listen to country exclusively.

I'm the odd duck out who can't name a single country song newer than Garth Brooks' "Friends in Low Places" which I think was one of the only country songs I've ever listened to. Well... no. That's a lie. I used to like the song "Ticks" by Brad Paisley because it's hilarious. And I think every kid from my city knows "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" by Trace Adkins, Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's "Cadillac Ranch," and "Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)" by Big & Rich like we know the ways to get to our parents houses just because of how often we've heard them. I learned how to line dance to Cadillac Ranch in junior high. Yes, I know how to line dance and it's totally a requirement in phys-ed. I wish I didn't.

Just researching these songs is going to ruin my Spotify recommendations for months. Fuck.

So Lil Nas X. I have so many questions. First off, weird flex but okay. "Ridin' on a tractor, lean all in my bladder. Cheated on my baby, you can go and ask her. My life is a movie, bull ridin' and boobies. Cowboy hat from Gucci, Wrangler on my booty." WHAT THE FUCK? Second, what is your purpose? Are you bridging the widening gap between popular music types, or are you making a mockery of the music industry? I don't care which, I just wonder is all.

I'm all for exploring collaborations, but is this the best we could come up with?

xoxo
--ffh

P.S. Wranglers look so uncomfortable. I haven't had a pair since I was 8 and chubby, but I remember that unforgiving waistband digging in and making me feel sick. Red marks for days. I'm sure nothing's changed in the 23 years since.